Things married mom is obsessed with during the holidays.

Hi guy, married mom here. Sorry is a blog isn't slacking we have been so busy with the holidays. So in honor of the holidays here's my list of things I'm obsessed with during the holiday season. Expect our blog to pick back up after this crazy holiday season is over.

1. Eggnog! Because its delicious.

2. Gingerbread. It reminds me of going to the old pastry shop that use to be open in town that I would always get a gingerbread man at with my grandmother.

3. Pandora Christmas radio. It makes everything I'm doing more festive have a wonderful Christmas music playing in the background.

4. Snowball fights with my son.

5. Hot cocoa and cuddles after said snowball fights.

6. Decorating!

7. Holiday baking I love the cookies the snowman cupcakes the food Christmas dinner. This is unfortunate for my waistline.

8. Getting to play The Santa Clause card when my kid is acting up. You better cut that out or you'll be on the naughty list.

9. Wrapping presents. I love being able to see the surprise enjoy on my son's face when he unwraps them.

10. And most of all spending time with family and Friends. Doing all the crazy things that needs to get done for Christmas.

Are we raising rats?

We have listened to our children run around together for a weekend sleepover. We've had blanket forts in the living room, rearranged a bedroom, donated toys to Goodwill, cooked and baked like crazy, done 10 loads of laundry, and two sinkfuls of dishes 4 times a day. If that wasn't enough of a workload we are in the midst of a tattling phase. Every 2 minutes one of our children are running over screaming to us in that whiny sing-song rhythm that so and so did something. The something is almost always the most idiotic thing... something you don't even tattle about. "MOMMMMMM! MOMMMMM! They're playing with a babyyyy dollllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!" And your point is???? Seriously, all the screaming could make you think they're getting their eyes poked out every 43 1/2 seconds. Give me a break.

No, seriously.... We really need one.

So we were talking about, of course, solutions to the tattling game, how to discourage it etc... We still are clueless so if any of you have hints PLEASE leave them in the comment section!

We have been friends since the 1st grade, and not once could we remember throwing each other in front of the hypothetical bus in hopes of getting the other in trouble. We don't remember what our parents did for the problem because we never had the problem. True friendship comes with some spats but why our children in the last generation or two have thought of tattling as a fun game, why they get enjoyment out of the other being punished or by being told "there is nothing wrong with that go work it out nicely"... Not a clue.

When we grew up, we had our friends' backs. We played outside for hours on end, coming in for the occasional bathroom break or meal but we went right back out. If one was going to get in trouble, we went down with the ship even if we had nothing to do with it. Even if the excuse was so ridiculous or off the wall crazy, we would glare a look like "really? That's the story we're going with?" and then play along completely no matter the consequence. I don't care if your friend was on the opposite side of the house and you don't have a clue what's going down, you hear a parent yelling and book it to the scene-whatever happened, you are going to try to talk yourselves out of it or get the punishment as a team--working together, true til the end, sink or swim friendship. Even if you weren't there...

The two of us try daily to instill old fashioned values of good friendship, how to use manners & common sense, plenty of outside & exercise time, art projects, cooking projects, learning new languages, using imagination, learning to work together, and the list goes on & on. They're turning out pretty darn well. We always get complimented on their behavior or how smart they are when we're at stores or restaurants. We even get the occasional "You're a good mom, you're doing a good job" from random strangers that observe and listen how we interact with our children. But for whatever reason this tattle tale game of fun & headaches has started in the last couple of months the moment we get back home for playtime.

The worse part is, we know it's a phase. It's going to last a little while but then they will grow into another annoying habit shortly after this was has gone away. There has got to be ways to get the phase shortened so we don't do this for the next 16 years.

Why can't we just send our kids outside to play for hours like in the good ole days?


-Married Mom (MM) and Single Mom (SM)

No Post Today Folks!

Spending time with my family, have a happy Thanksgiving everyone!

A new pre-Thanksgiving tradition!

Don't you just love the internet? Millions of morons and geniuses in one place! We stumbled across a brilliant idea that we wish we could take the credit for and started a new pre-Thanksgiving tradition.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving theme night! We did it last night, but only because there was a giant rain/wind storm coming in our area today so we were threatened with power outages and all that fun stuff. Anyway, back to the point.

Make the couch or bedroom with TV all comfy with pillows and blankets. Throw the kids in their cozy pajamas and then the magic starts...

Put on the movie "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" and while the kids are watching that, you go into the kitchen. Prepare toast with butter, a bowl of jelly beans, some stove top jiffy pop (it's way more fun!), a bag of pretzels and some ice cream sundaes for afterwards! Everything they eat at Charlie Browns Thanksgiving Feast! We served it up to the kids just as the guests were arriving at Charlie Brown's house. Their eyes lit up and they kept gasping over their plates having the same exact thing! We actually ended up watching the movie several times while we munched on our feast, lots of cuddles, lots of laughs and many great memories. We can't wait to do this each and every year- after all having our friends and family to spend time together is truly what I consider the biggest reason to be thankful! #thankful #thanksgivingtraditions #familytime

Happy Thanksgiving from Mean Mommy Memoirs!

10 Things We Are Thankful For.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving we have decided to prepare our list of 10 things we are thankful for. Enjoy.

10. Netflix, for having kid shows on demand and on repeat for those times when mommy really needs a shower.

9. Electricity, because at the moment almost 5000 people in my area are without it.

8. Lysol, because our children are disgusting little snot monsters this time of year.

7. Diaper wipes, for quick clean ups of almost any mess.

6. Empty threats, because if you don't cut that out I am going to send you to live in the jungle like an animal where you belong!

5. Coffee. Because Caffeine.

4. Wine. Enough Said.

3. Yoga pants and hoodies, because they are really real clothes, so stop judging.

2. Happy and Healthy children, because without them I would have to go out and get a real job, and my life would be not as exciting and my house would be clean. Why would I want that?

1. Family and Friends, who love us and support us not matter what. People that we can talk to and count on to offer good advice, sometimes. And will always do what they can to be helpful. And we can occasionally pawn our little monsters off on them.

The importance of taking breaks...

When your day starts with a mess, fills in with screaming, and ends with a large bottle of whine after bedtime with no hope for a better tomorrow... well, that's just every day. I have no magic cure to end days like that. But I do know that if I didn't harness the power to walk away and close myself in a room to breathe for 4 minutes every now and then that I'd be a full time resident in the local looney bin.

Kids take and take and take some more all day long. They take our energy, our patience, our brains, our muscles... and abuse them. All day long, every day of the week. Those moments when I'm ready to blow a head gasket or I feel like bundling up in the fetal position when I spot the spilled milk all over the floor I just swept and mopped, I like to leave the room. I excuse myself and tell my children to play in another room and not to enter the room with the mess & I will clean it in a few moments after I take a quick break. This isn't like every mess holy crap I can't handle this, but I know you've had a day (or 50 days) worth of insanity in your household from the moment you woke up to the moment your 18 year sentences rest their head on the pillow. They look so sweet and angelic sound asleep, and my love for them just flows. But I remember the look of the devil in their eyes for the last 13 hours so I'm also feeling very thankful that I can finally breathe.

It's okay to take a break. When you're overwhelmed, frustrated, upset, distraught, whatever the emotion--you start to parent out of those feelings versus what the situation actually warrants for discipline. We can take that accident and turn it into a teachable moment if we step in the locked bathroom for a few moments to compose ourselves like rational, understanding, loving beings instead of half mom-half fire breathing-flesh eating demon dragons.
Ever screamed or over reacted over a situation just because you felt so pissed off? Yeah, we all have. We're human. And sometimes it's okay, but sometimes it's time for a quick breather. We have to teach our kids right from wrong, actions and consequences. If they messed up, they need to know.

I don't drink often but I can tell you without a drink, I'd be finding some Xanax or Ativan in the local ER having a nervous break down. Take a moment at the end of the day after your kid is asleep, leave the housework alone (trust me it's not going anywhere, you know nobody else is going to do it! HA!), and go find something you really like to do. A movie or show, a puzzle, a video game, an exercise routine, a book, a nap, a bubble bath.... Breathe easy, forget about all the bullshit in your life for a few minutes and give back to yourself. Without you, there would be nobody to run your house or your life. Everything would fall to shambles and be a chaotic mess. And for goodness sake, go pour yourself a drink.

The joy of raising daughters

As a single mother to two little girls, I get the privledge of playing dress up princesses, brides, mermaids, hair dresser, and every other girly thing you can imagine. My daughters are the extreme of girly. I didn't intentionally do this. I tried to encourage going to get muddy or diving in the sandbox but after age 2 or so I started hearing things like "I can't do that, I'll ruin my beautiful shoes!" or "No thanks, I'll be on the swings pretending to be a fairy!" My youngest can get down and dirty occasionally but the older she gets, the more she phases out of it. My oldest... she's a completely different story. All girl. Not an ounce of boy in her. The moment we walk through the front door she runs to her dress up box, strips her clothes off and puts the frilly dresses on, complete with rings, bracelets, necklaces, and high heels. If that wasn't bad enough she goes over to her pretend beauty set and sits in front of the mirror with her pretend curling iron to girl her hair. She then runs to whatever room I'm in, throws her hands up in the air, pops a hip, flashes a smile while yelling "Taaa Daaaaa! Look how beautiful I am!" This never gets old to her. And every time I laugh and think about how I ended up with a fruit cake girly girl like her for a daughter.

We get to do our nails up all pretty together. Okay it's not always pretty but it's the thought that counts. This is one of my favorite mother daughter activities if the timing and patience is right. We sit still together, talking about silly things or what their favorite part of the day was and everything in between.

They love to bake and cook with me. I'm one of those people that believe your food is fuel and what you put in really matters. I like to make delicious food that is healthy. The girls are all about putting on their mini aprons that match mine, pulling up a couple of chairs, and adding ingredients to make the food. The final product is something they are always eager to eat since they helped make it. It's not always a time efficient way to cook when you start from scratch then add two little helpers to the mix but those little moments add up to a little bit of extra time with Mommy where there are lots of please, thank you, and good jobs going around. That adds up to a yummy meal and very happy children.

Tea parties. Sitting down at a mini table in a tiny chair to sip tea with my little ladies is always fun. I get to teach them about proper table etiquette and manners while at home in a comfortable environment. Whenever we go out to eat at a restaurant they are so well behaved it usually gets commented on my complete strangers. I attribute this to all the tea party time.

While my two princesses can make a tornado in the house faster than I can pee, they are pretty eager to help clean up the messes. We sing cleaning songs, dance around pretending to be snow white, and make a game to see how fast the room can be cleaned up. All of those things combined turn clean up time into something my children don't dread... well most of the time.

Girls aren't afraid to talk about how they're feeling. If they're mad or angry, they let you know. If they're sad or get their feelings hurt, you know about it. Boys don't seem to do this as much, they don't care to talk out problems. My girls will come to me and say whatever happened, that it really hurt their feelings and ask if I can help them or just want to sit with me for a little break to get some Mommy love.

Which leads me to say how awesome it is that girls still love to cuddle their Mom even after they grow out of the baby phase. Most boys turn a certain age and then they're done with it. I love the moments my girls decide to climb on the couch with me to snuggle in and ask me to read a story or just want to talk. Little sporadic reminders that they love and care even though they just trashed the entire second floor before they climbed in your lap.

Girls say the sweetest things. For no apparent reason they remind me that they love me, I'm the best mommy ever, and they never want to leave me. That last part gets me every time, and depending on how the day went it's either a comforting or terrifying thought. I love those moments they glance up and say "I want to be a Mommy just like you when I get big!" You just don't get little thoughtful moments every day like that from a boy, they're too worried about trucks to think about how awesome their mom is.

I'm not saying it's all rainbows and butterflies. Having two girls just over a year apart is stressful, full of high pitch screams of joy or dismay, and is a lot of work. But that's a whole different post :-)

-Single Mommy (SM)

Kids are the best birth control.

Today is a snowy day at our house. The kiddos are excited to go out and play. And they are old enough to take part in a family tradition of a cup of hot chocolate when they come inside with rose cheeks and flushed faces. My son was so excited about the snow that he sang me a song that he made up as I was putting on his coveralls and told me that he loved me to the moom and back. He 3 now, so hes old enough to take part in these fun moments. Hes old enough to do the arts and crafts. He's old enough to sit still long enough to watch a family movie with us. Hes even old enough to wipe his own butt...most of the time. Having a toddler has its challenges but it also has a set of exciting new things that he can do. All this cool shit seems to make hubby a little nostalgic and hes been mentioning the B word to me. Not bitch....worse, baby,

There is not one ounce of me that wants to have another child. I love the one I have, and hes pretty awesome so why would I want to do it all again? Plus I had pretty debilitating PPD after my son was born. My apartment was a messy pile of hell and I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I cried constantly.

 There is not one ounce of me that wants to be pregnant again either. I have a blood disorder and have to take blood thinner shots, not pills, shots! I have to have these shots in my stomach everyday I'm pregnant so I don't get a blood clot and die. I know people say every pregnancy is different but I was so sick for a solid 5 months. I've also finally just lost all the weight I gained after having my son, call me selfish but I don't want to be that weight ever again. No thank you.

Somehow my son has jumped on this I want a sister bandwagon. Which is both infuriating and heartbreaking at the same time. On one hand I'm pissed because I think that the hubby has something to do with this for sure. Using my poor beloved child to try to get his wish of letting him knock me up again. On the other hand, I'm sad because I know that my little one sees that his two playmates are sisters, and the girls that came over this weekend were sisters. He doesn't have a sibling that's his age, he has a half brother who is almost 9, but he doesn't live with us right now. So I'm sure he might feel a little left out at times. But, I don't want to have another baby. I explained to him that if he had a sister, she wouldn't be his age, so he wouldn't get to play with her much. I explained that babies are gross sometimes, and that they poop and spit up everywhere and can't walk and run yet. I also explained to him that if I had another baby I would have to take care of it and then I would have as much time to spend with him. Needless to say he is happy being my one and only again.  He is okay with the idea that we don't need a baby, we have friends and a dog. Now to convince the hubby to get that vasectomy we talked about...

Grandparent Grievances.

Grandparents are frustrating, dealing with them is exhausting. Especially in the case of in laws. My mother in law drives me crazy sometimes. It seems like everytime she comes over she has something new to complain about whether it be money or what other people are doing with their lives. Because she's my mother in law I have to try to be nice to her to keep the peace and to keep my husband happy. The problem with dealing with grandparents is that I feel like because they have raised children before they think they know everything. And it's difficult for them to sit back and allow me and my husband or any parents to learn and make their own mistakes of parents and raise their children the way they want. Example the other day my mother in law came over and she was kind of moody and she started talking to me about how she had seen a member of our family posting a picture on facebook of his little girl with the safety ear plugs on shooting a gun little girl is about three . Well she was complaining about it and how she didn't feel it was right and I informed her that my son shot a gun he's also 3 . Now I'm not making this segment of the post an issue about guns and gun control but I feel that if you are a responsible adult and you wish to teach your children from a young age how to properly handle and the reality as well as the respect for gun I don't have a problem with that . And neither should anyone else . Everyone has different ways of raising children everyone has different beliefs and values and why is that they were brought up and in my opinion as long as you're not doing anything harmful or abusive then it shouldn't be anyone's right to judge. The point of this is just to say that everyone has opinions but sometimes its better to just keep your opinions to yourself because it's not your job to raise my children you already raised yours. There's also the matter of one grandparent do those annoying things that you feel should be common sense not to do but they do them anyway. I understand that all grandparents or most grandparents will spoil their grandkids from time to time. But if you're going to come and complain to me about money issues don't go out and buy my kid a Power Ranger a few weeks before Christmas. Same time grandparents can be a blessing. I know that my little one love to spend time with his Grammy and his Nana and his  bampie. So in that regard it's nice because when mommy really needs a timeout or wants to spend time with Daddy there are multiple people in my sons life who also love spending time with him that he can go and visit, so it's nice to have those little breaks every now and then. The only downside is dealing with the cranky tired mess that comes home to me in the form of my 3 year old. Another thing I love about grandparents especially for holidays and birthdays is that my husband and I can breathe a sigh of relief because we know that our little one will never go without. Times are tough in this economy sometime and we don't always have the money to buy tons of presents and gifts for those special occasions. So knowing that he has grandparents I'll pick up  our slack a little bit is really reassuring. So as much as they drive me crazy and make me wonder whether or not dealing with these crazy people is all worth it I am thankful to have them in my life.

Secret eating of the selfless parent.

This has been a crazy weekend. We decided to have a sleepover with a friend of ours, she has two girls, one is 3 the other is 5. We had a zoo full of little monsters running around. 5 to be exact. We were out numbered for sure. Chasing five kids around is exhausting, 5 potty breaks, five snacks, five breakfast, lunches dinners! Which brings me to my topic of secret eating.

 Ducking around the corner to eat that cookie that you don't want to have to divide into pieces. Kids are bottomless pits. Kids also have the tendency to want whatever someone else has. Now as a parent I sometimes want a little something snack to keep me going, and I don't want to share it. I share pretty much everything else, including my bathroom time,! I just want to pee and poop in peace! I find myself doing this a lot, one of our kiddos is the snack queen, shes always down for a snack. Every time I am eating something without fail one of our minis wants a piece. This got me thinking about how nothing in this house seems to be sacred anymore. Being a parent means putting your needs and wants on hold to make sure your kids have everything they need. So why do I find myself doing some mission impossible moves just to sneak a package of gummies? Because its easier then explaining to your tear stained faced toddler that this is your snack and they need to go away. I find myself being conflicted when I need to be selfish. After all, its pretty much drilled in our heads that mommies need to put our lives on the back burner for the lives we have created.

We as parents spend so much time being selfless. We want our kids to have a clean house to play in, food in their bellies and fun things to do to keep them occupied.We could spend all day doing dishes, sweeping, mopping, diffusing fights, making lunches, making snacks, and then looking at the clock and realizing that its 3 in the afternoon and all that we have ingested is coffee and all the words we have swallowed instead of telling them how we really feel. So we open up a snack to fuel us so we can keep up with all the bullshit and thats when the children decided they are starving, even though they have eaten and eaten all fucking day. We say no, this is our snack we haven't eaten all day long. Then come the tears and the tantrum. I have learned that children are incredibly selfish. They are the center of their own universe and our lives revolve around them. I have also learned that parents are incredibly selfless and accept what are children think to be true, for the most part. We run around like crazy people catering to their needs and trying to teach them shit along the way. We spend a lot of time neglecting ourselves. So when we finally do take the time for ourselves we want to own it, and we don't want to share it. We find ourselves sneaking behind walls and hiding behind doors because otherwise we find ourselves guilted into giving up our snacks because the dramatics of their sobs  and declarations of being starving. We are trying to do our best to not raise a bunch of I want whine asses, but sometimes, we have our concerns. Such is the life of a parent, I guess I'll stick to cherishing the short moments of quiet that I do have for now, and worry about the rest later.

Nail polish negligence..

I remember while I was married (before having my youngest & getting divorced, of course) that my daughter and my husbands daughter use to get into all kinds of trouble together. They would wake up early, sneak into our room and shut the bedroom door--- blocking all noise in the house and enabling us to sleep more soundly and for much longer than we should have. We would wake up feeling refreshed and then the instant panic of "why didn't the kids wake us up yet?!" would set in.

One night before bed I sat down with both girls and painted their fingers and toenails. I put the polish up on the back of the sink counter where it always was kept and out of their reach... but still in sight. They danced around as happy as could be showing off their nails, pretended they were getting beautiful to go off and get married, or being a princess... typical girl stuff. I awoke the next morning, next to my snoring husband, and noticed the door shut. Instant panic. I opened the bedroom door to find these two sweet girls in my carpeted living room covered head to toe in pink nail polish. And I MEAN head to toe. And I mean COVERED. Along with my three week old "stain-proof" couch and recliner. Stain proof my ass. 

As much as I was upset about my living room set, I had no idea the extent of this nail polish fiasco. My daughter has eczema, and the thought of putting polish remover to her delicate little skin was bad enough... I took it to my living room set first which was ruined. The polish color lifted but the oily stains remained. Lost cause. Instead of finishing that, I decided it's time to work on my pasty little kids white and bright shiny pink skin. I start scrubbing. It's coming off, but with some elbow grease, polish remover, and lots of frustration for everyone. I get everything off their faces that look like a drag show gone bad except with polish instead of cheap tacky makeup. I get their feet and legs that were nearly completely covered done pretty well, but the girls just didn't want to sit still any longer to endure this.
Keep in mind my bastard husband is still snoring his ass off in bed in a comfortable, stress free sleep. I could have woken him but I was nearly certain all he was going to do was yell about how naughty this was and go on and on and on about it. The paint was dry and there was nothing we could do about what happened except clean it up, talk to the girls about why this was wrong and move on, praying to God it never ever would happen again. I wish that was the last time I cleaned up after these two but unfortunately we had a similar incident with the same results only with white diaper rash cream, their bodies and again my new living room set... Oy Vey. 

Anyway, the girls are tired of being scrubbed with smelly crap and my daughters poor skin was already looking like bumps and rashes were starting where I'd cleaned up. Think, Mom, think..... what the hell... am I.... going. to. do..... Bath time. "Okay girls get your pink little bums in the tub. I'm going to try to wash the paint off your body in the tub... this is not a playing tubby time, I'm really sad about this mess you made. We are cleaning our bodies up and getting right back out." I start a bath as warm as they can stand it, add a bunch of tear free bubbles and toss their pull ups off. "Oh, look, Mommy!" my sweet little 2 1/2 year old says. I got some painted nails and I even painted my privates!" "YOU WHAT?!" Oh. My. God. Holy shit. Lord give me strength and what the fuck all ran through my head as my cute little daughter looks up at me, spreading her little vagina lips that are covered in pink polish. The outside, the inside labia, and every other inch of their bodies covered in pink polish. So when I said head to toe.... I meant it. Luckily their little bodies were nearly completely clean when my husband wakes up and comes into the bathroom smiling and says "Good morning, girls. Having a tubby this morning? It's good to see your smiling faces!" I proceed to explain this is not a good time, he asks why so I pass him a bottle of polish remover, while smiling, and say "Go find something to smile about, it's on the couch" I knew when he saw the mess...He sputtered off a few swears and rants then I hear "I'm going out for a smoke. I can't deal with this fucking shit right now, I just woke up!" Then... he stormed out. REALLY!??! And when I woke up this is what I wanted to deal with? Yet, I did. Another reason why women stay at home as the parent more often then men.

My couch and chair set were ruined as far as appearance, they were still usable to sit on but it kind of sucked. As a parent, I should have gone to a yard sale and paid 20 bucks to lug off someone's junky one.... obviously you can't have anything nice AND have little children. The two just don't mix well.

The kids... well the paint came off. The two of them never got into polish again... it made for a good story I guess, something to tell them when they are older.

As for my husband.... well, I am divorced now, right? :-p

-Single Mommy (SM)

The Tattleling Game.

Ahh, kids. They are wonderful when they can play nicely together. Sharing toys and smiling with their little cherub faces. Blissfully independent together so the mommies can step away for that glass of wine, or to fold that laundry we have been meaning to fold. It is at that moment when suddenly mommy is doing something other then watching their every move that it begins. The Tattleing Game. The game goes like this: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. MAHHM! MAH! "What is it honey" SO AND SO LOOKED AT ME! "Okay ask them nicely not to do that." The door slams and we hear: MY MOM SAID YOU CANT LOOK AT ME! I TOLD ON YOU. That is not at all what we said but okay, conflict resolved for about 30 seconds until the next child comes to tell us something else not harmful happened. It happens every time, with every child skipping off, impressed with themselves for their attempts to get others in trouble. It puts us in a dilemma because on one hand, its important that our kids feel like they can come to us if someone is hurting them, Emotionally or physically. On the other hand its important that they learn to work things out themselves and not bother us with their stupid shit. especially when they are having a whiney over-sensitive day. How does one find a healthy balance? What is the best way to explain the difference between being a tattle tale and being vigilant in informing an adult when something really is wrong.Our rule is unless anyone is bleeding, or doing something unsafe then they need to work it out themselves.

Sex and the stay at home mom.

Now, I'm not saying all men are like this. But mine is.

My husband is one of those men that seem to think that because he works outside of the home he gets to claim that he some how he works harder then me. He comes home, takes a shit for about 30 minutes and then makes his way to one of two places, either A: his computer or B: Back out to the kitchen to find out what I'm making for dinner that night. Now if he makes his way into the bedroom he typically is on his computer till I call him for dinner. This has been happening a lot less lately due to my constant bitching at him about it and pleading for more help. When he makes his way to the kitchen if I say I'm super tired and want to do cereal or something simple he grumbles in annoyance as he practically strains himself to put some frozen chicken nuggets into the oven. Sometimes after a hard day of my kiddo driving me right up into the wine glass I like to sit down and play video games or write or do stupid shit on Facebook or twitter. Here lies the problem. My husband seems to think that because I stay home all day I shouldn't need a break. He argues with me that he works so much harder and that staying home with our son is not that hard. "What do you even do all day?" is another question I've been asked. Well lets see, I cook, I clean, and when I mean clean I actually mean clean the same area at least 4 times, and I run around chasing after our demon spawn that we have so joyously brought into the world. And I'm not saying I don't love my job as being a housewife, but it is work. And not even physically, but emotionally and mentally, because after having to listen to the same show for the 14th time this week I am about ready to crack.

Now his way of thinking wouldn't bother me so much if he helped out more then just once in a blue moon. If I can get him to do a load of dishes OR switch over the laundry at some point in the week, then its a good week. For the most part these things don't bother me all that much. But it pisses me off to no end when I am being told to my face that he will do something, and then it doesn't get done. Don't fucking tell me you're going to do something and then not fucking do it. For example, I was told that he would switch over the laundry for me so my sons coat would be dry in the morning. Well, he lays in bed and I ask, "Hey did you switch the laundry over?" He forgot. He promises he will do it in the morning before leaving for work. I say okay and go to sleep. I get up in the morning, and the laundry did not get changed over. Just as I expected. I end up just doing it myself and muttering curse words such as "That motherfucker" and "Ohhh I swear I'm going to bitch him the fuck out when he gets home." And don't even get me started on the FULL trash can in the kitchen that he didn't empty this morning even though its his fucking family responsibility to make sure its not full when he leaves. FUCK.

Its like this all the time.

Now what does this have to do with doing the nasty. EVERYTHING. Listen up men, the saying Happy Wife. Happy Life is true, at least for me. See, hubby's idea of romance is groping me as I get into bed and then asking how I would feel about sliding my underwear off. And our lack of intimacy is a problem, for him. Me, zero fucks are given. By the end of most nights I'm tired, I'm cranky and I just want to mindlessly kill monsters or zone out to some Law and Order: SVU. This got my best friend and blog buddy and I talking. Do I as a woman use sex to try to change my husband's behavior? Do I make my hubby earn it? Yes and no. While I don't consciously ever put on my hubby on sex probation, the way he acts does effect whether or not I put out. Shocking, because there is nothing more arousing then feeling unappreciated. The formula to get me going is so simple, and all it costs is some time and consideration. Let me take a break and don't hold it against me later. Offer to do the dishes, and then follow through and do them after I make dinner. Show some interest in how my day has been. If I feel like I'm appreciated and I matter, and you see me as more then just your maid the idea of a horizontal cuddle doesn't seem like so much work.

Phone Call Tourette's

As a parent, we know how kids can act the moment you become temporarily preoccupied with anything except them. Like talking on the phone. If you've ever spoken on the phone with a parent to young children you know they will occasionally be talking "yeah, Sally, and seriously the recipe came out so good you should GO AWAY AND GIVE ME PRIVACY try it." "huh?" "Oh, sorry the kids just keep bothering me"

The last two nights I've missed a call from my grandmother because the kids were running around screaming and I knew they wouldn't calm down enough for me to step out of the room and talk. Well last night Married Mom had a late appointment and I offered to watch her little boy, make supper and wait until she got home. I made a nice supper, made sure everyone had drinks, a show they all enjoyed watching, the house work was completely caught up on so I thought "what a perfect time to call Grammie back." 

I went in the room and got everyone situated. I made sure all the potty jobs were done and everyone would be 100% content so I could step out of the room for a 15 minute phone call. I let them know I was on an important call, that it would be a little while and asked if they were all okay and content. They said that's fine."Okay, so you need to solve your own problems, work as a team, play nicely, and be friendly to everyone with our hands and voices please, unless someone is very hurt and there is an emergency do not interrupt me." All three kids agreed and were playing nicely so I stepped out and called my grandmother. 3 minutes into the conversation I hear running footsteps to the glass door. There is my youngest daughter who says "MOOOOOOOOOOOM! MOMMMMM! HEY MOMMY! MOM!! HEY I TALKIN' TO YOU! MOMMA LISTEN!!!!" The entire time she's doing this I'm waving my hands in the "Go away" motion, then the finger to the lips "SHHH" motion, and then the cut it out motion" Finally she gets the idea and walks away. Then MM's little boy comes running saying my name in the most dramatic way, over and over again, changing the sound of it the way the last kiddo did with saying mom. He isn't taking the hand gestures at all. He proceeds to knock and yell loudly at me. I'm still jumping around with all the hand motions and he's just getting more and more mad that I'm not saying Yes or what in reply to my name a good 800 times. He walks away and I hear him yell something at the girls. Then my oldest comes up and gives a try. She knows better then to harass me on the phone so after a few sets of hand motions she gets the idea and goes back and I hear her say "Mom is on the phone and we need to stop bugging her. I think she's getting mad" I smile like YES! they finally get it and will leave me be for just 10 minutes. All the while I'm Mhm'ing and oh that's good to my grandmother but she continues on talking without a clue of what is going on at my house. MM's son comes running back. I thought my kids were persistant. He is persistant. Then my youngest daughter joins him. The two are saying the same things they have been saying that I'm not responding to so to which I whisper "You need to stop" "That's enough, play friendly" "You know what, I really don't care right now. Go work it out" "I didn't do anything, go talk to the person that you're mad at." "I'm on the phone, knock it off, find your patience, and wait for me to come back" and doing all the dancing hand motions to knock it off, cut it out, shush, go away AND listening to my grandmother telling me what's going on AND talking sweetly and calming back to her saying "Oh Grammy that's great" "Oh how lovely!" "Amen for good news!" and so on.... I seriously looked like a schizophrenic bipolar maniac mom with tourettes syndrome. I finally get off the phone. I go in and say "SERIOUSLY? I needed 15 minutes for an important phone call, asked you to please leave me alone so I could do it and you all bugged me the entire time. PLEASE tell me what was so important"

My oldest says "Well, she hit him because he took her toy" 

"okay, who had the toy first?" My oldest says my youngest had it, my youngest says she had and and then I ask MM's son who says "Addie TAKED it because I played with that yesterday so it's still my turn so I taked it from her hands and she hitted me!!!" with the angriest tone and the most grumpy scowling pissed off face. I'm half angry that this is even the situation that was so important and half amused. I reply "Well, did you have it in your hands" "No, she had it but it was still my turn so shes a stealer!" "NO MY AM NOT! MY HAD THIS FIRST!" my little one rebuttals. Okay... "I'm ruling this a no fault. If you didn't steal the toy from her hands she wouldn't of hit you, you have to share. Everyone has to share. We all are friends and we need to act that way. Case closed, not another word about it"

Man, I would sure kill to have a phone call without interruption or a pee break without my little 18 year sentence staring at me....

-SM

The Battle of Healthy Organic Food

Single Mommy (SM) here.

Every few months I do something ridiculous like keeping reading the label after the nutrition facts. This always causes a moral dilemma for me as I try to pronounce things I've never heard of in the ingredients of food I'm feeding my precious, picky little princesses ( 3 & 4 y/o). I know what happens when I don't stop after the nutrition facts... I start researching what is in the food we are eating and long term effects of these chemicals. Then I start making switches to organic foods.

My latest debate was when I had a jar of organic peanut butter right next to the store brand "normal" peanut butter in my pantry after cleaning and organizing it. My oldest daughter says "Hey Mom, can I have a peanut butter sandwich please?" Sure thing! I grabbed both bottles and proceeded to compare nutritional facts. I'll be damned if for whatever reason I kept reading the label. The regular peanut butter consists of 10 ingredients- peanuts, sugar, hydrogenated vegetable oil (rapeseed, cottonseed, soybean oils), dextrose, salt, molasses, monoglycerides, preservatives. The organic peanut butter has two ingredients- dry roasted peanuts and palm fruit oil*   The little star meant it was harvested by sustainable sources. Then the wheels started turning, I went online to Google search. 20 minutes later I've read 10 articles about foods banned in other countries but is acceptable in the US, what preservatives and artificial flavorings do to our insides... blah blah blah. The next thing I know we are eating almost solely organic foods.

When the phase first starts the kids will notice within a few days when they request Mac N Cheese or fruit gummies and it "looks different". Then I tell them it's organic food and it's better for your body. Then the "why" game starts.
Why is it better for you? Why do people put chemicals in food? Why would someone spray poison on fruit? and so on. I'm a firm believer that when my children ask a legitimate question out of curiosity that they deserve an honest answer as long as the question or answer is not inappropriate. I believe because I do this my children are more perceptive of the world around them, are learning it's okay to ask questions when you don't know, and that there isn't always an answer for everything.

The kids adapt well to the food switches. My oldest who loves to sleep in will wake up earlier and have more energy when she gets up instead of being a crabby 4 year old acting like a 16 year old pulling the blankets back over her head and saying "5 more minutes! I'm tired! Noooo, stop taking my blanket I don't want to wake up!" My youngest (born with respiratory illness, developmental delays- like a preemie but she was full term and has endured 2 1/2 years of therapies to end the developmental delay) will start improving dramatically and close in on the gaps. It's miraculous. But....

It's just NOT the same food. Organic food companies have come a long way in making nutritional organic foods/snacks that taste great but there are still some things that just can't be replaced. Doritos, Yoohoo milk, velveeta cheese, or a bowl of Golden Grahams cereal....

Then there's the next problem... all the knowledge about organic food, recycling, keeping our planet healthy crap I taught them blows up in my face. Set the scene: At a family barbecue last summer. Lots of cookies, brownies, pasta salads, burgers, hot dogs, coleslaw, corn on the cob, fruit platters, veggie platters... it's all there. I'm not the type of stuck up person that would NOT eat what's in front of me or complain about what is being served, I was raised that way and am raising my kids the same way. My kids love trying new foods and I'm blessed because they love fruit and veggies. My oldest could literally live on fruits and vegetable and never complain once. I'm in line with my plate, a plate for my youngest and have my oldest in front of me picking what she wants for her own plate... She reaches up to grab a celery stick off the veggie platter and turns around to me (this is in a room with 35 people at least) and says "Mom, is this organic?"
"I'm not sure but I know it tastes really yummy so if you want it then you should put it on your plate and keep the line moving please" I say. She inspects it and turns to the host and says "Excuse me, is any of your food organic? Because I only eat organic food." If I could have melted into the floor and not be seen I would have. I nudge my daughter tell her that's not appropriate, eat what is in front of you or don't eat. She pops her hand on her hip and puts her sassy face on and says "Chemicals and pesticides hurt your body and I'm not eating this crap." LORD PLEASE! HELP ME! REWIND! No such luck. The host turns back to us and says "Well we eat what we can afford around here." I don't remember how the rest of the party went, but I remember that mortifying feeling of embarrassment like it was yesterday. I remember questioning my parenting methods and questioning my choices for a while after that. I know we went home earlier than most at that party too.

Then we go into cost. My grocery bill is doubled or more when we go on these "organic" kicks. Sometimes it lasts a month, a few months... whatever. At one point I decide to just get what we love in the organic food and what we love in regular old, processed, made to last forever, fortified because it's not healthy enough alone, junky foods that taste so good.

We aren't currently on any organic kick, we eat healthy but it's not all organic. Until the next time I decide to stupidly read the entire back label, that is....

-SM

An Ode To My Children.

I am not your snot rag.
I am no human tissue.
I don't want your crusty boogers on me.
This is seriously an issue.

Spilled Cup! Just my luck.
Seriously!
What the fuck?

When you were first born,
I was intrigued.
Now all I can seem to do,
is feel so damn fatigued.

Go into the bathroom.
Try to pee in peace.
I ain't got not privacy!
Where is my release?

You're making such a mess.
Overflow the sink!
God damn you tiny human,
This is why I drink.

So much pee on the floor.
I can't stand to look no more!

You whine at me.
MOMMY GET ME A DRINK.
Is that how we talk to mommy?
Hmmm....let me think.

You are the reason I pee when I cough.
I just need some space!
Please back off!

Tattle tales, tattle tales!
Please, for fucks sake let me be.
Play nice and work it out yourselves!
I'm not a referee!

But sometimes you look up at me.
Say, "Please can I have a snack?"
Using manners and special moments are the reason why.
I love you to the moon and back.


© Mean Mommy Memoirs 2013

The Social Media Parenting Lie.

We have all seen it. The walls of Facebook posts of new moms, and even moms
of multiples parading around acting like being a mom is butterflies and rainbows.
Their precious little angels poop glitter and are well behaved puppets 24/7.
Bed time is always a breeze, they always use their manners and never get annoying ever!

Stop Lying you bitches!
Just Stop.

Lets cut the bullshit here. We all know damn well that although we love our kids
to the moon and back, they are for the most part selfish, inconsiderate demon spawns.
We know it, you know it so lets get real. Why do we feel this need to paint this perfect
picture of how parenting is? Do you get some sick joy from narrating your life as if you are living in
a Stepford world? Do you honestly expect us to believe that your family is stepping out of an episode of 'Leave It To Beaver'? Step away from the keyboard you June Cleaver wanna-be!

As moms we need to be able to feel like its okay to be frustrated! Its totally cool that sometimes we sit down and cry into the load of laundry we are currently folding. Lets bring some normalcy to the idea that sometimes when we stand  in the middle of the living room and look around at the mountains of messes as our kids zoom around as if this was a roller derby  that we think, "Holy fuck, what is my life about? Who the fuck convinced me this would be a good idea?" Sure we always love them, even when they dump 16 bottles of water out on the kitchen floor while mommy takes a crap. MM's little one is guilty of this one. Or when they throw a bitch fit over wearing a hat because they don't want their curls to get flattened. SM, knows about this one. We love them and all the wonderful things they do.And we thank god they are so damn cute sometimes. Cherish the moments when we see the glimmer of hope that we aren't raising a pack of little douches, but lets not lie that sometimes we wonder...

We are all sleep deprived, overwhelmed and flat out cranky sometimes. Some days start out perfect, your little one is behaving and using manners... until an invisible hurricane goes through your clean house, a child is screaming about being hungry after you just spent an hour making from scratch blueberry pancakes, and for whatever reason the laundry went and made babies overnight. It sucks. It's worth it at the end of the day (somehow?) but it's only until your demon has a peaceful sleeping face that you can breath anything except fire.

And that's okay. Tomorrow is a brand new day. You get a redo, but it's likely to be the same bullshit all over again.

Wake up the next morning, throw your kid a pop-tart and a cheese stick on a paper plate and get off the perfect train. It's ultimately taking you to your death. Your over-tired, coffee saturated, my life fucking sucks death. If your child is happy, healthy, and alive at the end of the night then you're doing just fine--great, actually. You're doing great. Your child is alive one more day.

10 Things My Manchild Does For Me:

My manchild, my husband, my life partner. This post is an ode to you and all that you do.

1. He makes money for us to pay for shit with.

2. He shuts off the lights and locks the door every night, because I'm afraid of the dark.

3. He lets me steal his body heat by allowing me to tuck my cold feet up into his balls.

4. I can always count on him to clean up the poop messes that I don't want to touch.

5. He drives me places and goes to pick me up stuff until I can drive myself!

6. One of his tools of seduction is giving me a back rub, so even if I tell him to fuck off I want to sleep, I've still gotten my back rubbed.

7. He shows our child old ass shows like Thundercats and He-Man so our son can be retro.

8. He doesn't make fun of my attempts at twerking.

9. He puts up with my crazy ass.

10. He is overall a good guy, and I love him very much. He makes me happy most of the time.

-Married Mommy

Magic MOMents.

We named this post magic moments because it sounds better then "How to fuck with your kids, why pranking children is hilarious." One of the biggest joys we have been able to achieve as a parent, besides seeing them learn manner and values, is pranking our children. We live for it. And for good reason, they are so damn gullible and so quick to throw their playmates under the hypothetical bus. Today we decided we were going to convince them to believe that their toys come alive and make messes. We sent the kids outside to play, pealed a pomegranate and told them after we played for a while we would have it for a snack, Q single mommy to pop popcorn and arrange the toys, making a mess, getting into the food, while married mom went outside to entertain them. When we all came in we confronted the children about making the mess. This is where our acting skills come in. We were serious business with serious faces. While SM grilled the kids MM snuck off into the bathroom and made another toy mess. The reaction of our kids was priceless, it was a mix of confusion, bewilderment and blaming the other one.When that didn't work and time outs were threatened we discovered that children will lie and admit guilt to make you shut the fuck up. "We did it together!" was the verdict the oldest informed us with. Even when we went to put them in time out they just sat down and didn't care. At first we thought our plan backfired, until one of the kids decided that it must be magic and the toys moved on their own. This prank will be continued more tests our needed. Pranking kids is important because it keep their imagination on its toes, we want our kids to still find wonder in the world. Its important for parents too because it gives us a chance to study their lying faces. Till next time...

-Married Mom.

Edited after post: Informed the manchild, he was unimpressed and emotionless. Typical.

Who the fuck are we?

Two moms, one mission. Get through raising our children before setting them loose into the world without them being total douche bags. Don't be fooled by our name, we are two middle class white chicks living in Maine. We kill our food, state our opinion and drink too much wine...err I mean coffee. One of us is married  with a son and living with a giant manchild and a chubby housedog, the other one of us is a single divorcee living with two sassy prima donnas. We're not always mean, we just have rules. Our kids hate rules and tell us daily that we are not their friend anymore, good thing we aren't trying to be their friend. We are the ultimate mom tag team, and we ain't got time to mess around. We conquered our childhood together, now its time to get through the rest. If you're looking for a blog that will tell you how parenting is butterflies and rainbows, you are in the wrong place. This is a raw uncensored unscripted view of how parenting really is. We are momsters unleashed.